2007 BFP

Need I say more?

Well, I am wordy, so you know I will. Technically, it was Sunday the 10th, but since I am not doing any lab work, I haven't wriiten a date in my notebook so I actually had no clue what the date was. Then, it dawned on me today. Maybe better not knowing what the heck day I am on.

Yes, this day last year I POAS and had a +. I had woken up before Triple S and I just thought, "Ya know, something is different." I wasn't even noticeably late (I have a wacky unpredictable cycle). Yes, something was different, a little baby was growing inside me. We had just decided a few weeks before this to stop "trying not to". I was shocked, but pleasantly.

When I deemed it time for Triple S to get out of bed, I went in and woke him up. I followed him to the bathroom and told him I had something to show him. I showed him that BFP. He was so giddy and in awe. He had such a look of wonder in his eyes. He was a little wobbly in the knees. And he was just so darn happy.

It breaks my heart remembering this. Where are we now, one year later?

I worked so hard during my pregnancy. I wanted to do this once and that was it. (We were still negotiating the number of kids we wanted to have at this point). Pregnancy is a lot of work, as well as wonder and hope and happiness. I avoided drinking and lots of types of food and I exercised and drank so much water. I read and planned and did my kegels. I shopped and saved so that I could stay home for six months. It was a lot of constant responsibility. I didn't realize it then like I realize it now, now when I am thinking that I have to do it all over again. I guess it is more like parenthood than I would have said it was. Similar to parenthood because you constantly worry, even when you are not worried, and you have a constant and demanding responsibility.

Today, this year, at this time in our lives, I can say that Triple S and I love each other more than I could have ever imagined. I think that I found new strengths in myself. Strengths to take determinative action, to take risks, to do what is right for me and my health. This is not something I would have done 367 days ago.

Today, this year, we are facing Father's Day. Triple S is dreading this, has been for two to three weeks. I am more in-tune to this now, to his feelings, anticipating his triggers and planning to help him.

In some ways, I feel more settled into myself this year. I am not struggling with myself. Maybe in this time of grief, I have become my own ally, for myself, for Triple S, for our family, for our future child.

Triple S always argued for two children. Now, I hope he does get his wish, a little sibling for Serenity, one who will be here with us for our lifetimes.