Contagions

I didn't know that pregnancy was e-contagious, but it is apparently going around in deadbabyblogland. Which is great. I haven't caught it. And I just hope not to catch it yet.

I went to the Dr. today and apparently the nurses were worried that I was pregnant since I am on Day 38. Well, that's pretty normal. I used to have 60 day cycles when I was athletic in HS. I have only had 1 cycle since my February delivery. That's ok with me. My Dr. wants to get me regulated though. I guess thats not a bad idea if I want to have three cycles before my "OK, lets stop trying to not TTC" in August.

Well, I am really happy for those going down the road again before me. I will definitely stay tuned and hope for the best for everyone.

I told my family Dr. about my blogging about "dead baby stuff and how much it sucks". It made me tear up when I told her. I just really appreciate this space and I guess I don't really talk about blogging to anyone but my dh, Triple S. I was a little surprised that I had tears in my eyes, but I have had one of those down 24 hours. Dr. told me I need to get back on the Ignatia (homeopathic not sad medicine). I personally think almost crying once a week is pretty darn good.

I had a rough evening yesterday. My personal deadline for leaving my job is June. I haven't even gotten any interviews yet. I will have to turn in my resignation (probably write it tonite) so that I can take my two week course starting June 16. I will be glad to be out of that lab and not driving 45 minutes each way everyday. But there are so many unknowns after that which have me really freaked out. Like money. I can go on Triple S's health insurance, but that costs more money. At least I should have time to workout more. I just hope I have the motivation. I just hope I can keep my spirits up. Lots of hope goin' on here.

Anyway, Triple S decided to put some pressure on me. He is afraid I won't really leave my abusive work situation. I am committed to leaving, I just don't want to jeopardize our finances. Who really likes their job anyway? But this was not pressure I needed. I already feel tremendous amounts of stress from this situation. Compounded by deadbaby grief.

Just be supportive, will ya?

I realized yesterday that going to grad school and being so highly specialized sucks a55. I am really not qualified for much else and last night it hit me that I may have to give up my dream. The dream that really had started to blossom in my mind when I was pregnant. That I could quit working, stay home with my baby, and start to write more and take part time at home freelance work while my baby toddled around. Well, all that got shot to pieces, along with my heart, when you know what happened. So that's why I was sad, then Triple S decided I need some tough love.

He said he can't concentrate on his work because he is worried about me and I just need to apply to jobs that I am qualified for. Well, I don't want the high stress of lab work anymore and I don't want to be around the chemicals since I want to try again for another baby. I don't think he has any idea what I have been thinking about and he hasn't looked at any of the resumes or applications I have put together. Basically, he just really hurt my feelings and crushed me.

So, led to a pretty lousy Sunday/ Monday.

Ok. Got it all off my chest. Feeling better. And little jumping beans growing inside a bunch of mamas makes me really happy too!