Monkey off my back...

Albatross no longer around my neck.

I actually had a thought as I was waking up from my half-nap, that I could be pregnant again. (Not, I think I am pregnant). But, that I could half imagine myself doing it. I see other deadbabymamas and infertile queens that I respect and admire so much doing it now.

My levels of stress and anxiety are down so much since turning in my notice at work, and now being done there. I do not think I could have survived another pregnancy there. Oh, just popping into my head, as evidenced by the fact that my baby did NOT survive my pregnancy while I was working there. But, I could not survive the emotional stress and have the strength for a "subsequent" pregnancy there. I can't believe how miserable I was.

I put so much of my self, my energy, my thoughts into my work. It was a career, not a job. I had a lot of responsibility and a lot dumped on me by the stupivisor. He wouldn't have even done it. I was the go-to person in my lab if anything administrative needed done, anything needed done on a reasonable time scale.

My friend asked me yesterday what my boss will do when I am gone. He said my boss would need to hire three people to replace me. I said, well, three to replace the attitude at least.

I am mostly not manageable, I think. I have always pictured myself working independently. As an entrepreneur or something. So, I am going to freelance and try a few things. See which takes off. Make a little money that I can turn over into something else. We will see how it goes.

I miss Serenity so much. I had planned to start this next chapter in my life with her. Thanks to G, who encouraged me to not give up that work dream just because I am not going to be a SAHM. I am just a SAHDBM now.