This time last year

This is me, last year. Look at that big belly. Look at that smile. We went to a wedding for two friends. I have to send them an anniversary card.

I am not looking forward to the next 4 months. Remembering what it was like to be pregnant. Birthdays and holidays. Serenity's delivery and due date.

I told my grandmother (who lost her toddler to diabetes) that we weren't celebrating any holidays this fall. She wrote back to say that we shouldn't "give up every event [we] normally celebrate. ... Believe me, I know how hard it is."

We don't have anyone to 'pretend' for. No older children, no family in town. To me, it truly would be a farce to celebrate my birthday, to decorate for Christmas, or do holiday shopping. I should decorate for Dia de los Muertos.

It was hard enough for us on Mother's Day and Father's Day, days we never 'celebrated' before, days with less commercialization and infiltration. Days we tried to insulate ourselves from the world, days spent in our secret garden.

The smells of fall, the crispness in the air, the shortening days, and the difficulty I had trying to find my winter clothes all remind me of me, pregnant. Last year, my time with Serenity.