Another Holiday

Lucky me, I woke up at 4:11 this morning. Wide awake, full of anxiety. I must not have been having a very nice dream.

My first thoughts included anxiety about what I said yesterday at a party. Did I hurt anyone's feelings, was I a jackass? I really don't think I was, but I sure was anxious about it. We were at our neighbors with 6 other adults, 15-month-old Mr B and 7-wee- old M. I actually enjoyed myself. Maybe because I wasn't too far from my comfort zone, my own house and backyard, which was in constant sight....

I couldn't believe how small this little newborn was. He was a quiet baby. His cries were nothing, as I lived through Mr. B's infanthood. I didn't hold him. I want to remember how Serenity felt in my arms. Plus, kids that small are way to breakable, and violent sobbing is probably not a safe time for an infant to be in my arms.

I was to provide the "entertainment," by reading the revised version of "Latest Batch of New Americans."

Talk did turn to baby stuff, which is to be expected. My neighbor did include me, saying things like how they will have everything figured out when we have our baby, and we were also joking around about the roles of dads. I wasn't upset by this "future" talk, and actually a little glad that she has hope. It does sting a little; I should be giving advise to M's mom, passing on clothes and accouterments.

I briefly felt like I wanted a baby, right now. The problem is not the getting pregnant part (hopefully), it's the 40 intervening weeks of constant worry and fretfulness, dread and fear, a deadbabymama pregnancy.

We survived the trial-by-exposure-to-newborn. I guess its a step, in some direction.

Let's see if I can go back to sleep. Otherwise, I will be catching the sunrise.