Glow in the Woods Meme

From Glow in the Woods: 6 by 6: july 2008

1 | How would you describe your relationship to fear before and after the loss of your baby?

I was always trying to dampen Triple S' constant worry and anxiety. Apparently I wasn't worried enough. Now, I try not to worry, be fearful. I am not contemplating any baby until I can see myself be more happy than worried through the pregnancy (I'll take 50.1 to 49.9%)


2 | Is your lost baby/are your babies present in your life? In what way?

The lack of her is a huge presence in my life. I don't pay much attention to her ashes regularly. Actually, the urn probably needs dusted.


3 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling nurtured or supported.

My ILs were here and my parents drove 13 hrs to get here the next day, the day of the delivery. All the grandparents held Serenity. I think that helped them to understand, or at least helped me to think that maybe they understand.

We received cards from so many people, more than Christmas, or even our weddings.

My neighbor and her son who came over in the first few days I was home and just gave me a big hug.

My neighbors all stopped by to give condolences. This in the winter. They offered to plant a tree. They came to the memorial service.

My one friend just calls and makes simple plans with us. Nothing complicated, but it is proposed in such a polite, yet "it is going to happen" way, that all I can say is yes.

My coworkers who said that they were sorry about what happened, in one way or another, or just gave me gentle smiles at first "sighting", from the president down to the mail clerk and janitors.

A semi circle of friends and coworkers at Serenity's memorial service. When I looked up, I saw tears streaming down faces.

The HR lady with tears in her eyes when I told her about stupivisor.

Everyone supporting me to leave my job, and now trying to find a job for me.

(there's more, but technically I think the question asked for one thing...)


4 | Tell us about something said or done after your loss that left you feeling marginalized or misunderstood.

My stupivisor sending an email to "ALL EMPLOYEES" at my work saying that I delivered a daughter named Serenity Joy and that Dad was too excited to give any details, after my husband called to tell him that the baby had been stillborn, but that I was ok. This was after a phone call the previous evening telling my stupivisor that the baby had died and that my labor was being induced to deliver the baby. None of the other four people that he had to call misunderstood anything. My wonderful coworker S called the next day while we were still at the hospital because she had heard, via person-called #5, a different story than told to her from our boss. That's how we found out he screwed it all up. I asked the IT department to clean out my inbox, and they did.

Flowers from my stupivisor after the email, which I had to arrange to have sent, to tell everyone that the baby was actually dead and that we didn't want any flowers.

The first day back to work, and my stupivisor asking me "how's your health?" This coming from the person who never sent a sympathy card or said he was sorry. I just stared back at him.

My stupivisor aggressively standing over me and yelling about why I didn't send him a thank you note for the flowers he sent, that I "showed him my anger" when he asked how my health was, and why he wasn't invited to the memorial service (scheduled about 2 1/2 weeks after returning to work). I told I was upset about the email, and he said "If I misunderstood what [Triple S] said, then I am sorry," while he was shaking his head "no." He basically blamed Triple S for telling him wrong, that my husband said that the baby was fine (we went back and forth on this several times).

(that's the boss story that I said would eventually get posted, in a nutshell)

My parents have not asked nor said anything about Serenity since the memorial service. I don't even feel like talking to them. All they talk about is the little things they have been doing all week. I think they found out I left my job from my sister; they called to ask about my class after it was done. They talk so much that I don't even say anything.


5 | What's taken you a long time to do again? How did it feel, if you have?

Enjoy being out in a large group. I don't think I have actually done this yet. Well, I am going to the 'Cards game tonite, we'll see. At least I will only know two people there.
I really don't enjoy phone conversations- that's why I blog.
I finally stopped crying during or after sex, much to Triple S' delight.


6 | How would you describe yourself as a partner before, and after?

Before, I think I was tough, especially about the worrying.
Now, I am more sensitive to Triple S, and more sympathetic to his worries.