Friendships

Since many others have posted on this topic recently, I thought I'd add my two cents. Well, plus it is on my mind, perhaps because others have been posting about it. That's some kind of circular logic.

I am a very social person. I choose to use the present tense here, because I think one day I will be social again. I don't think the core of my being has shifted so much. I am also a bit private. Two examples:

1) We have stayed in touch with the chaplain from the hospital. We met her a few weeks ago just to catch up. I guess she felt a connection to us, otherwise I can't see how a chaplain could follow up with every patient. Well, she also officiated Serenity's memorial service at our request, so I guess maybe we aren't the norm. But anyway, when we met for lunch she said that "I hold [my] hand of cards, and I might show a tiny corner of one of them." I don't really disagree with that statement, especially about someone I don't know. Triple S knows just about everything about me, and noone knows even 25%.

2) I remember when I was in high school, I was friends with two sisters, I was in between them in age but we were all in a ~16 month range. I would tell some things to one sister and some to the other. Just because it is difficult for me for one person to know everything about me.

I think that I am social and have many acquaintances, but I am close to few people on this earth. I don't open up easily, not because I am paranoid or secretive; I am private. I also listen a lot to others and always ask them countless questions about what they are dealing with.

When I left my job, I left many work-friends. I haven't kept up with too many, but most of these folks are not people that I did social things outside of work with very often. Some had been to my house for a party or we had gone out for happy hour. I refer to these people as friends, but the majority are more like acquaintances. There are a few people that I will make more efforts to stay in touch with as time goes on, but most have probably drifted through my life.

Having said that, one gal from work has become closer, and a reliable friend. We knew each other, had dinner parties and had gone out before Serenity died. Our husbands get along. After Serenity, she called and they came over and just listened to Triple S ramble on about his feelings (See, he was talking and I was being private). These friends have been great. They called us, forced us out of the house, sat with us, said "let's do something", but have never held it against us if we couldn't. I don't think they would hate us if we canceled 5 min before something as long as we apologized and said, 'it's just a bad day". They have brought into the fold a third couple and all summer we have been enjoying little things with them- boating, dinner. Easy times. These are not dramatic people and they are easy going and not demanding on my emotions.

This week we were invited to go wine-tasting Thursday and boating on Saturday with these two couples. I finally emailed them back (when I realized it was this week) and said, "I've been sick and I am on drugs, so no wine, and I am dizzy, so no boating." No anger or disappointment, but an invite for dinner this Friday and thick concern coming through in the email. What did I do to deserve such a thoughtful and kind friend?

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Having said that, there are others who I find extremely difficult to handle now. Too much drama, too many details, too much stress. I am not emailing them (I have become a HUGE emailer instead of phone or face to face) and they are not contacting me. I don't miss them. Will I in the future? Maybe. Maybe not.

I don't know what the difference is.

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If I actually sit down to think about it, I am so antisocial right now. I work from home. There are some days that I do not talk to anyone all day. I *try* to avoid doing this blog or commenting during 'working' hours. Sometimes I am on Plurk. The crazy thing is, I don't feel like this is little social contact. I need this quiet, simple time.

I just had a weird conversation with someone the other day. I was a bit in the middle between a husband and wife. It affected me deeply and I really had to work to get through it. It was a huge stress for me; something I would probably not have thought twice about before.

When I was back to work for those two month, I was a ball of anxiety, especially when it came to interacting with my stupivisor. I just can't imagine having to still deal with that.

Now, I am teaching a class twice a week. I am slowly committing myself, back to the outside world. We went to that party last weekend, where most people don't know us; don't know what happened.

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I have issues with my mother. I don't think she is an empathizer. I just don't know what she thinks, and I don't think she *thinks* before she says stuff to me. I called her after my vertigo began to dissipate so she wouldn't worry. Then she is asking me if I am doing any house projects (ya know maintenance on a 80 year-old-house). I told her, flat out, "mom, we are lucky if we can deal with the day to day. I have been sick for 9 days and this is the first day I don't feel dizzy. I had surgery on Thursday. We haven't done any house projects since Serenity died" Do I really need to explain this to her? Oh wait, apparently I do.

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There is really no point tot his post. This is more a list of the social interactions and the difficulties I have with being out there in the world. It's not easy. I am in a different place than I was in March, than in July before being pregnant again, and even a different place than yesterday. I am certainly not in the same place I was before getting pregnant with Serenity nor during that pregnancy. I can never go back there.

I hope to tell those two easy-going couples what's happened these last few weeks, when we see them again. To me, it is important to be honest with them, although it will be be tricky to "bring it up", and it will be hard for them to hear, and hard for me to receive sympathy.

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Maybe that's what it is. Maybe I don't want sympathy as much as I need empathy and understanding. Like Janis says, I want space. I need time and energy to heal, both physically and mentally. I want leeway in my friendships. Those who think I can just go out and have a ball or listen to their telenovelas can't give me what I need right now.