Today after class, one of my students asked "Is this all you do?" (Yes, all I do in my life is teach one college course as an adjunct)
"No, I have a freelance copyediting business."
"Oh, you have kids at home?"
"No."
pause, pause. It seemed really long to me.
"My daughter died earlier this year."
***
I told her a bit more, and that I quit my job because my boss was a f*ucker and started my dream business.
I am finally at a point that I can say this. Say this and not instantly burst into tears. On the drive home from the Uni, I was proud. Sad and proud. Proud of myself for recognizing my daughter and proud of being my baby's mama. I also felt like bawling.
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8 comments:
Thats quite an achievement. It sure feels nice to remember our babies out loud. And yes proud is so the correct word. We are so proud of them and I guess of ourselves on this journey. Take care.
Oh, Ya Chun. I remember saying it for the first time. Admitting it, almost. It was a proud moment and so excrutiatingly sad and awful. Good for you, hon. Good for you for acknowledging your daughter out loud. It's a beautiful thing.
Ya Chun,
I, too, am proud of you. "My baby died" Three words that are so difficult to say out loud to strangers. Yes, she was alive and she died. The statement acknowledges her life.
Thinking of you and Serenity.
((hugs)) Ya Chun.
Yesterday I was at the dentist but I could not bring myself to tell the hygienist, I just did not feel like, given how fragmented conversations are in that space.
For the longest time I never said it out loud for fear I'd melt into a puddle of tears.
I've noticed lately that I'm able to say it out loud without crying or even feeling like I want to cry. It does feel good. Better.
I've been shifting gears as well...in my head for now. I think this shift was prompted by Antigone's recent posts and the discussions of the Stillbirth Awareness Act. Those discussions made me feel that I need to speak up so that others might not have to suffer because of the lack of proper care and research.
It's a big step, Ya Chun.
I am proud of you too. Good for you.
That must have been really scary. I said this too, recently, and it was the oddest thing I have ever uttered. And most terrible. And somehow it was normal.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment on my recent post. I thought I had commented somewhere, to say how terribly sorry I am for this fresh loss, but I can't keep track. So I'll say it now:
I am so terribly sorry, Ya Chun. So so sorry.
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