Vacation is (mostly) all booked. We somehow managed to get one night where we don't have a hotel, but we are working on that. It is hard being a deadbabyparent- your brain just does not function well.
I started a new part-time position- Thur and Sat (Fri today was a training day).
My supervisor wanted to know when my birthday was and was excited that it is coming up because that means department birthday cake. I was trying to downplay it, and said my b-day is probably not even on one of my days here. She said "that's ok, we'll have it the closest Thurs" etc etc. I am not much of a b-day person as it is, and I really don't want to be the center of attention where I've just started and will probably never know everyone since I only work there 1 day in the week, AND I am NOT looking forward to my birthday this year.
Triple S and I have decided to skip all the holidays this fall. No porch light or candy for the tricker-treaters, we will volunteer at a food pantry for thanksgiving (nothing like seeing those less fortunate than you to cheer you up...), and we will be taking part in the drinking and debauchery that is "Temptations Resort and Spa" in Cancun Mexico for christmas.
Well, my new supervisor still is like "Don't worry, we'll do your birthday" so I just had to come out and say, "well, my daughter died earlier this year so I will probably be crying on my birthday." I think I might get a pass this year... I really don't think I will handle any "Happy Birthdays!" well. There's only one present I want and we all know I can't have it.
That all being said, she's nice and easy to talk to.
***
Yesterday I went to Target, my fav store. I like to call it Taaar Jaay, (all Frenchy) cause it sounds fancy. I had to pick up a b-day card for my SIS. I was just so sad after that. Walking around the store, trying not to cry. It's a pretty card, very girly, with rhinestones and a butterfly. I want someone to buy me something pretty with sparkles and butterflies. Or someone to send me a pretty card.
Probably this is all accumulating: seeing Sara's (of Streaks on the China) wonderful idea and cute cards (I really wanted to buy one for myself, because I miss my baby); then buying lots of cards for others recently (a congrats for my mom for an award at work, my dad's b-day, my lil sis's b-day, two friends' b-days); then the fall holidays and my b-day coming up..... boooohoooo.
Anyway, here's the link for Sara's beautiful, hand-screened, 'still thinking about you and your baby' cards. These cards are great to express support at a time of loss (specifically made for that long period after all the sympathy cards have been sent). Too bad I am preachin' to the choir here....
***
I told Triple S last night that I would never be happy in life again. Yes, I can enjoy little things, I am pretty much 'happy' now, but I don't think I will ever be light-hearted and just happy. The big things will always be tinged with sadness. At my birthday, the holidays, with my next baby and everything he or she acheives, all his 'firsts', I will just wonder "what if." What if Serenity hadn't died, what would she have done? But I also know that thought, that instantaneousand involuntary skip to my missing daughter, will mostly be fleeting, chased away by this thought: that Serenity's lil bro or sis likely would not exist if she hadn't died.
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I felt/feel the same way as you do. I remember when we started trying again that I never wanted to hear anyone say to me ever that Caleb died so that so and so (the brother or sister) could be born. I never wanted his death to be about anothers life. His death, like Serenity's should always be exactly what it was. A tragedy that defied logic or explanaion.
I found this poem and it's words really found a place in my heart. I'll try and cut and paste it, hope it works.
A different child,
People notice
There's a special glow around you.
You grow
Surrounded by love,
Never doubting you are wanted;
Only look at the pride and joy
In your mother and father's eyes.
And if sometimes
Between the smiles
There's a trace of tears,
One day
You'll understand.
You'll understand
there was once another child
A different child
Who was in their hopes and dreams.
That child will never outgrow the baby clothes
That child will never keep them up at night
In fact, that child will never be any trouble at all.
Except sometimes, in a silent moment,
When mother and father miss so much
That different child.
May hope and love wrap you warmly
And may you learn the lesson forever
How infinitely precious
How infinitely fragile
Is this life on earth.
One day, as a young man or woman
You may see another mother's tears
Another father's silent grief
Then you, and you alone
Will understand
And offer the greatest comfort.
When all hope seems lost,
You will tell them
With great compassion,
"I know how you feel.
I'm only here
because my parents were
Brave enough to try again.
I'll send you a card! I want a pack of Sara's beautiful cards so I need 5 people to send them to. E-mail your address to me and I'll send pretty things (and not a single holiday greeting!).
Good for you for explaining that you would prefer not to celebrate your birthday this year to your new supervisor. It is really sweet that she wanted to get you a cake though. I hope you enjoy your new position.
Being happy again is a difficult thought. Perhaps happiness will be new, altered like everything else post deadbaby. The lightheartedness may never return but you've got to believe that true joy will be experienced again. At least I have to trust that this will happen on some future day, just for motivation to get out of bed each day.
And while I can't say you will experience deep joy in Cancun I think a freaking good time is to be found at Temptations Resort and Spa!
Aw, sweetie. I hope you don't cry the WHOLE day on your birthday. Good for you for letting your co-worker know what the real deal is.
Thanks so much for pimping out my cards! Heh. I will TOTALLY send you some special greetings if you feel ok giving me your address. Email me! streaksonthechinablog@gmail.com
((hugs)) I know you are really in a tough place right now.
I'm not a big bd person either, but I hope you can still take time that day to honor who you are, and what a great mother you are. Thinking of you. xo
Oh, Ya Chun, I often think the same thing you wrote in the last paragraph. And it's so overwhelming to think about if it's actually true. I hope we do find happiness and carefree days again. I try to tell myself that time will give me those things back. Who knows, but it's too sad to think they are gone forever.
I feel the very same way, Ya Chun. I believe now that life will always be tinged with a bit of grey. I can't imagine anything otherwise.
Thinking of you, hon. Can I send you a card? Email me. Please. myresurfacing (at) g.m.a.i.l (dot) com
XO.
I pray that you will learn to be happy again. I think that happiness changes after a deep loss in our lives, but that doesn't mean we can never experience it again.
You have had a devastating loss, but as you heal (and it will take a very, very long time, I have no doubt), I trust you will find a new kind of happiness and joy, even as you always remember the child you lost.
I just want to say hi, and I am thinking of you and praying that you will someday find happiness again... I believe that you will.
I found you through the sits website. I sort of feel inadequate commenting here because I haven't been through what you have and can't fathom the pain you must be in... You are so brave for blogging your thoughts and sharing them with the world. Thank you...
(((hugs))) to you. Things will get better and smiles will surface again but all in due time.
Hi Ya Chun,
I just stumbled upon you through SITS and wanted to send some love your way.
I have never lost a child, so I cannot say I feel the same way, but I lost my brother last year and am in the process of losing my mom, so I do feel that I can relate to that feeling that we'll never be happy again. People keep telling me that it gets better with time and in a way I hope they're right, but in another way, I feel like if I am happy again, it will mean I have forgotten those I have lost.
For me, loss is such a lonely place. It's hard to find anyone who can relate and it seems like people want to avoid me, because all this sadness makes them uncomfortable or they don't know how to respond.
But, we're not alone. I hope you are feeling support and connection, even if happiness is a long way off right now.
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